Uncle Luther's Porch

This blog is the first in a series of satirical lists about different Christian denominations. There are too many denominations for me to get to all of them, but I do at least intend to hit the ones I’ve had some experience with. This is an exercise in laughing at ourselves folks. Don’t feel unfairly picked on by any of these lists. I fully intend to pick on everyone fairly. Let’s start though with one of the most quirky denominations in all of Christendom, the Independent Fundamental Baptists.

I once dated an Independent Fundamental Baptist and at the time was convinced that these were the best churches in the country. A little bit of church shopping at a handful of these small, close-knit operations taught me a few things I didn’t know and a whole lot of things I didn’t care to hear anymore about. I’m glad I didn’t join up, but sometimes I do think about wandering in for a good laugh.

And now… You might be an Independent Fundamental Baptist if…

1. You have ever used the phrase “Get right with God.”
2. You believe that Jesus spoke Aramaic and the Bible was written in Hebrew and Greek— but the 1611 King James Version is the only inspired Word of God.
3. Evangelism consists of tracts, bus visits and a “magic prayer.”
4. You believe women deserve second-class treatment in the church because Eve “started it” by eating the forbidden fruit.
5. You treat everyone outside the church as a “pagan” or “heathen,” unless, of course, you can win a free steak dinner by inviting them to church.
6. You believe masculinity is defined not by a man’s leadership in the home or his faithfulness to God—instead it is a simple question or whether or not he urinates standing up.
7. Most of your church music resembles a either a barbershop quartet or old drinking songs.
8. You can take prophecies from Jeremiah regarding Israel that have already been fulfilled and apply them to the United States.
9. You just can’t for the life of you understand why God would choose such a nasty process for human reproduction.
10. The thought of people burning in Hell makes you smile because you feel they are getting what they deserve.
11. You’re not sure if liberals can really be Christians. In fact, you secretly hope they can’t.
12. You have memorized the book of Leviticus.

Who’s next? So many denominations, so little time…