Uncle Luther's Porch

My wife was a Southern Baptist when we were dating. We taught Sunday School together in a Southern Baptist Church where I was grudgingly a member, but I  never fully bought into the theology. I’m a little nervous about this one because of the size of this particular denomination. I wouldn’t want to risk alienating a majority of my readers. But… it has to be said, so here goes…

You might be a Southern Baptist if…

1. When someone refers to the fathers of the Christian faith you immediately think of Charles Stanley and Billy Graham.
2. You’re reasonably certain all Catholics are going to Hell.
3. The altar call at the end of the sermon lasts longer than the sermon itself.
4. Your lunch is frequently held up by “one last sinner” at church.
5. Your typical tip at a restaurant consists of a 99 cent tract, a stick of mint chewing gum and the 72 cents you had in your pocket.
6. Everyone else is wrong.
7. Your rebuttal when challenged by another Christian is, “That’s not what My Bible says.”
8. The body and the blood are secondary. It is all about the water, the method of Baptism and whether or not babies should be baptized.
9. Your entire statement of faith could be summarized by simply saying, “We’re not Catholic and we baptize by immersion.”
10. You’ve ever referred to a dance as a “foot function.”
11. You think Jesus’ first miracle was when he turned water into grape juice.
12. The doors of your church are locked more often than they are open.
13. You make it a point to pray before any meal at a restaurant—and do so until the food is cold.
14. You send all your money and resources to support foreign missions, but the homeless five miles from the church remain unfed.
15. You are pro-life, but there is never a war you don’t support.