Uncle Luther's Porch » satire

Boilerplate Pop-Christian Sermon

Uncle Luther — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 21:53:00 +0000

Looking to start a new church or grow your mega-church? Do you feel your sermons aren’t tired enough, cliche’d enough or stale enough? Do you just need a break from sermon-writing? If any of this describes you, then Uncle Luther’s Boilerplate Pop-Christian Sermon template is just what you need to have church like the stars. Simply follow the template below for an awe-inspiring sermon that will be a blessing to both your congregation and your free time.

Scripture Reading: Try not to pick anything your congregation isn’t already familiar with. We recommend Jeremiah 29:11.

Sermon:
Step 1: Start by making small talk with your congregation. Keep it light, make a few jokes. Don’t forget to stay relevant by mentioning your newly acquired Starbucks addiction.

Step 2: Tell a story from your most recent trip on an airplane. The story doesn’t have to make sense to your congregation, it just needs to relate somehow in your mind.

Step 3: Pick a point so obscure from the day’s Scripture that it is almost irrelevant. Then, inform your audience that this was just an introduction to a three-part series that you will flesh out over the next few weeks.

Step 4: Drive home your point by re-telling an inspirational nugget you received in a forwarded e-mail that is new to you, but has been going around the Internet for ten years. Pass it off as your own.

Step 5: Issue a challenge to your congregation. This will make both you and your audience feel a sense of accomplishment. It will also provide a great opening question for the start of next week’s sermon.

Ooo eee, ooo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang

Uncle Luther — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 05:09:33 +0000

Fish Oil pills. Not a bad idea, just not a miracle cure for everything from gas to Cancer.

If James 5:14 were written today…

“Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the local naturopath and let them employ a holistic approach. Partake of the fish oils and shun the gluten and the hydrogenated oils. Let no unclean preservative enter your body and purge the toxins out with the Chiropractor’s footbath. Trust neither the doctors nor the FDA, as they are the devil’s spokesmen. Conduct your grocery shopping only at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s, for in these places healing begins. Forsake all common sense and reason, for these represent the wisdom of this world. Scoff loudly and passionately at all doctors, proven medical treatments and legitimate research. It is only by becoming a complete whackjob that one can dispense of earthly toxins and achieve a glorified body here on Earth.”

photo credit: funkypancake

Prayer of the Misguided

Uncle Luther — Tue, 05 May 2009 02:20:00 +0000

Lord Jay-sus,

We thank you for our guns,
for this big bucket of KFC,
for the new Wal-Mart that opened up over yonder,
and for the liquor store we runned outta town.

We rejoice that you have brought the Swine Flu
as judgment on the illegal immigrants who are stealing all our jobs.

We thank you for Sarah Palin, the next president of this great land.
We thank you for dying on the cross so that we could live in this country.
We ask for your condemnation on all those wretched sinners.
Please help us protect ourselves against our enemies.
Amen.

…and Jesus wept.