The drugs calmed me down enough to realize I wasn’t dying. About three days later, I had a bit of a cancer scare, but they were able to rule that out. Turns out I suffer from a condition I can’t pronounce that is activated by stress. So, I’m having to make lifestyle changes and learn how to manage stress.
Just when I thought I had it handled – we joined a gym, I was putting in less hours at work, and the pain was gone – my wife had to take an unexpected Saturday trip to the ER. It was horrifying watching my wife lay in a hospital bed, with needles and tubes and an IV bag. She looked weaker than I had ever seen and every time the medication wore off she was in horrible pain. I thought I was going to lose her and the thought alone left me twice as terrified as I was when I was in the same boat.
After about five days, they diagnosed her with Crohn’s Disease. It’s going to be an uphill battle for both of us. Half of what she eats will make her sick and during the flare ups, she won’t have any energy. There may be surgeries and hospitalizations ahead. It’s bad news. If there’s a bright side, I haven’t found it yet.
As I said earlier, the whole experience has left me terrified of God. Not mad at him. Just terrified. I have seen his awesome power and I’ve realized what was head knowledge before. God is big and mighty and powerful and man is small and fragile.
Life hurts right now and it’s hard to pray. When life is bad, it is so hard to really believe that God is good. Ironically, this experience has brought both of us so much closer to God. Doubts and unanswered questions force faith and trust. Despite the turmoil, I feel comforted.
It reminds me of a line from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. One of the kids asks the beaver if Aslon, the great lion, is safe. The beaver’s response is “Safe? ‘Course he ain’t safe! But he’s good!”
Life hasn’t been “safe” in the last few months. Every time my wife or I turn around, one of us is in the hospital. Just when we think life has settled down, the storm gets worse. Safe is not a word I would use to describe it. But, even though it is hard to see at times, I know God is good. I can see it in the friends who have called, written, visited and helped. I can see it in the meals people have sent. I can see it in the number of people who have been praying for us. I can feel it in the way my wife and I have grown to love each other even more than we ever thought possible because of these setbacks.
Still… I’m terrified. I think this is what Paul means when he urges fellow believers to work out their salvation with “fear and trembling.” I have certainly known fear and I have known trembling these last few months. I have met a God who is infinitely more powerful than I ever thought. But I’ve also met a God who is concerned for my deepest needs even when I don’t know what I need.