Health Insurance Companies: Every year my premiums go up a significant amount. Why? Well, its group coverage and there are more people in the group who are taking out more than they put in and the insurance company just isn’t seeing the kind of profit it was hoping for. So, every year they increase premiums, increase co-pays and increase coinsurance percentages while decreasing coverage. I haven’t seen what’s going to happen to my policy this year, but I have a feeling they’re going to add a new plan called the “Just Roll Over And Die Already” plan.

The Occupy Movement: They aren’t occupying, they’re squatting. Let’s get that straight up front. Secondly, I know a lot of these folks are college educated, but I don’t think any of them has ever occupied an economics class. Aside from that, there are a few other places I’d like to see them occupy such as:

• A poor town in a third world country that doesn’t have toilets or clean water. They may think they are the 99% in the U.S., but when compared to the rest of the world they are the 1%. The rest of the world doesn’t have time to play angry birds on their fancy iPad 2. They are far more concerned about finding enough food to get them through the day and trying to drink water that won’t kill them.
• A soup kitchen. Or any other effort where they can give to others. There are people less fortunate than the occupiers, and if you can find anyone in this world who is less fortunate than you, you ought to help them out before throwing a tantrum about how awful your lot in life is.
• Any establishment that has a “Now Hiring” sign in the window. I know working at the drive-thru or delivering pizza may not be what you went to school for, but you should pay for your own cell phone instead of relying on daddy for your data plan.

My point is, there are folks a lot worse off than the so-called 99 percent. In fact, 99 percent of people in the United States are better off than the rest of the world. We’re just too spoiled to realize it. Also, I’d like to know if these 99 percenters  plan to participate in capitalism’s greatest annual event, the holiday shopping season. Remember folks, if you buy even one Christmas gift, you’re participating in the very thing you think you hate.

Car Accidents: I’ve seen too many young people die in car accidents. Please slow down. Life is too precious to risk losing everything just because you’re running five minutes late. Also, be courteous on the roads. That isn’t a minivan you’re cutting off or following too closely, that’s a family just like yours. It isn’t about you, your schedule, or how fast you can move.

Superficiality: Frankly, I’m tired of hearing about Kim Kardashian and Snookie. Now that we’ve hit the Christmas season, it’s going to be time to talk about shopping and sales. Why is our culture so obsessed with things that just don’t matter in the grand scheme of things? And if we’re going to be obsessed with irrelevant issues, why do we choose things that represent the lowest common denominator? I’m lookin’ at you TMZ.

Stepping down off my soap box now. I don’t know how you feel about this rant, but it sure did me a lot of good, and since this is my blog, that’s really all that matters, isn’t it.

It is funny though!

Steve Brown Etc. » Blog Archive » The House of Smite.

1.) The Church is dying for some originality.
2.) The Bible can definitely be an idol.

Scripture Reading: Try not to pick anything your congregation isn’t already familiar with. We recommend Jeremiah 29:11.

Sermon:
Step 1: Start by making small talk with your congregation. Keep it light, make a few jokes. Don’t forget to stay relevant by mentioning your newly acquired Starbucks addiction.

Step 2: Tell a story from your most recent trip on an airplane. The story doesn’t have to make sense to your congregation, it just needs to relate somehow in your mind.

Step 3: Pick a point so obscure from the day’s Scripture that it is almost irrelevant. Then, inform your audience that this was just an introduction to a three-part series that you will flesh out over the next few weeks.

Step 4: Drive home your point by re-telling an inspirational nugget you received in a forwarded e-mail that is new to you, but has been going around the Internet for ten years. Pass it off as your own.

Step 5: Issue a challenge to your congregation. This will make both you and your audience feel a sense of accomplishment. It will also provide a great opening question for the start of next week’s sermon.

You might be a Presbyterian if…

1. Your pastor is currently on part 23 of a 12 part series.
2. You have made Jesus lord of your life, but you’re still holding on to your wallet with all your might.
3. You’ve ever caught yourself praying in the name of Calvin.
4. You believe God has predestined the elect to eternal life, but have a strong desire to witness to people on airplanes.
5. You refer to The Westminster Confession as “The Newer Testament.”
6. When asked for advice you’ve ever responded by saying: “Deal with it.”
7. Everywhere you look you see evidence of depravity.
8. You think “Matthew 18” is an entire chapter devoted to church discipline and conflict resolution.
9. You know what the “Doctrines of Grace” are.
10. You prefer tulips to daisies.
11. You understood #10.
12. When confronted with someone’s pain, your first thought is about God’s role in suffering instead of what you can do to help.
13. You have ever tried to convert other Christians to Calvinism.
14. You thank God daily for the ESV Bible translation.

You might be a Southern Baptist if…

1. When someone refers to the fathers of the Christian faith you immediately think of Charles Stanley and Billy Graham.
2. You’re reasonably certain all Catholics are going to Hell.
3. The altar call at the end of the sermon lasts longer than the sermon itself.
4. Your lunch is frequently held up by “one last sinner” at church.
5. Your typical tip at a restaurant consists of a 99 cent tract, a stick of mint chewing gum and the 72 cents you had in your pocket.
6. Everyone else is wrong.
7. Your rebuttal when challenged by another Christian is, “That’s not what My Bible says.”
8. The body and the blood are secondary. It is all about the water, the method of Baptism and whether or not babies should be baptized.
9. Your entire statement of faith could be summarized by simply saying, “We’re not Catholic and we baptize by immersion.”
10. You’ve ever referred to a dance as a “foot function.”
11. You think Jesus’ first miracle was when he turned water into grape juice.
12. The doors of your church are locked more often than they are open.
13. You make it a point to pray before any meal at a restaurant—and do so until the food is cold.
14. You send all your money and resources to support foreign missions, but the homeless five miles from the church remain unfed.
15. You are pro-life, but there is never a war you don’t support.

You might be a Methodist if… (Go!)

1. The building fund is more important than the tithe.
2. You believe Jesus saves people from their sins— you just aren’t sure everyone has sin and needs saving.
3. You believe women can and should be ordained— but you don’t want to ordain them.
4. No one in the congregation actually knows what the denomination as a whole believes.
5. Your church has to have a traditional and contemporary service, otherwise World War III will break out over the music used during worship.
6. You have been in the same church all your life but have gone through 27 new pastors.
7. You have never been a Catholic, yet carry around the same amount of guilt.
8. A committee meeting is required to determine whether or not to repair a broken window in the sanctuary.
9. You can somehow make every situation in life relate to grace in some way.
10. You’ve ever wondered why “Blessed Assurance” is in your hymnal.
11. The majority of your congregation consists of Baptists who are only Methodists because they don’t want to be called Baptists.
12. You actually know the pledge to the Christian flag and the pledge to the Bible.
13. You think a new slogan covers a multitude of sins.
14. Your church has ever canceled Sunday evening services due to the Super Bowl.

I once dated an Independent Fundamental Baptist and at the time was convinced that these were the best churches in the country. A little bit of church shopping at a handful of these small, close-knit operations taught me a few things I didn’t know and a whole lot of things I didn’t care to hear anymore about. I’m glad I didn’t join up, but sometimes I do think about wandering in for a good laugh.

And now… You might be an Independent Fundamental Baptist if…

1. You have ever used the phrase “Get right with God.”
2. You believe that Jesus spoke Aramaic and the Bible was written in Hebrew and Greek— but the 1611 King James Version is the only inspired Word of God.
3. Evangelism consists of tracts, bus visits and a “magic prayer.”
4. You believe women deserve second-class treatment in the church because Eve “started it” by eating the forbidden fruit.
5. You treat everyone outside the church as a “pagan” or “heathen,” unless, of course, you can win a free steak dinner by inviting them to church.
6. You believe masculinity is defined not by a man’s leadership in the home or his faithfulness to God—instead it is a simple question or whether or not he urinates standing up.
7. Most of your church music resembles a either a barbershop quartet or old drinking songs.
8. You can take prophecies from Jeremiah regarding Israel that have already been fulfilled and apply them to the United States.
9. You just can’t for the life of you understand why God would choose such a nasty process for human reproduction.
10. The thought of people burning in Hell makes you smile because you feel they are getting what they deserve.
11. You’re not sure if liberals can really be Christians. In fact, you secretly hope they can’t.
12. You have memorized the book of Leviticus.

Who’s next? So many denominations, so little time…